He is still so weak and I am letting him sleep. Last night I had resigned myself to the fact that I would be taking him to the animal hospital again this morning to put him to sleep - to end his suffering, but this slight improvement changes things, although only slightly. Yes, he is a little better, but I see very clearly the writing on the wall. These are his last hours. Last days if we are lucky. We will be putting him to sleep, it is only a matter of when. I can nurse him now, but only so much. His systems are out of balance and rapidly deteriorating. He is sick, but not in pain. Not yet.
And I am so grateful that today I discovered that my vet will do at home euthanasia. When it is time, we can do it here at home where he is comfortable and relaxed. He can pass on from his home. I can hold him as he passes. This is how I have always wanted it to happen. I just hope I can keep myself together and not be crying hysterically as it is happening, which would not be relaxing for my cat. I think I can do it for him. I can keep myself composed until its done.
So, for now I play nurse. Checking him every half hour or so to see what and how he is doing. I give him a little water and try to get him to eat a little. I pet his head and neck and listen to him purr. I tell him I love him and I thank him for all that he has given me for so long. He and I have been through a lot. I reminisce about him in my life over such a long period of time. All the places we've lived, the things that he has been around for in my life. I cry a little. I try not to think about how my house and my days and my routines will miss him. When you live with someone for 15 years, having them suddenly not there anymore can really rock your world and shake your existence. Even if they are a little animal.
But I accept what I have to do. That it is his time to move on. For me to let him go. It sucks. Doesn't it always? That is the kicker with pets, isn't it? They bring you so much love and fun and joy, but one day they have to leave. I guess you can say that about anyone in your life. We suffer through the loss because the time we have with them is totally worth it. And despite how much everything sucks so much right now, it has been totally worth it.
P.S....I promise happier postings in the future. As you can imagine things are kind of sucky right now and I just need to vent and write about it. I know others out there feel these same things and go through these same things.
|Me and Mr. Kitty about a year ago|
|I will miss him hanging out with me as I work from my home office.|
|And I will miss how he would always hang out with me in the bathroom. You could not take a bath without him lounging on the edge of the bathtub.|